Oh, Dear

One of the many things I learned from Julie, in the early days of blogging when dinosaurs roamed the Internet, is how to find out which search terms people use when they stumble across your site. This can be funny when it's a series of random words that somehow were cobbled together on your blog, or heartbreaking when someone Googles "hope after fourth miscarriage." But I don't think I've ever been quite so sad as when I saw one of today's search terms:

"Donor egg mother doesn't love baby."

Oh, I hope so much that this is just someone concerned about a possible outcome, not someone who is actually experiencing that feeling.

If it's the former, and if you ever make your way back here, I can't guarantee that you will love your baby. I can only tell you how much I love mine. I don't have, and never will have, a genetic child, so I can't tell you it's exactly the same. How would I know? But I cannot imagine loving anyone more. Every morning, I wake up happy because I know I get to spend the day with my boy. When I lean over his crib, he smiles up at me and positively wriggles with joy, and I cannot imagine a better feeling.

He doesn't have my DNA. But I carried him for nine months, felt him kick and squirm, watched his fluttering heartbeat on ultrasound and counted the tiny pearls that made up his spine. I held him in the special care nursery after he was born and watched him relax into me in a way he never did with anyone else. I know how to make him laugh and how to comfort him when he cries.

Of course I have pangs and fears related to the way he was conceived. I wish I could take credit for his beautiful blue eyes. I hope he never feels as though a part of him is missing. But if I was offered the chance for a reproductive do-over, to have one of my miscarriages erased and my "own" child born without ever having gotten to the stage of even thinking about donor eggs, I'd hug my funny, feisty boy to my chest with a heartfelt "No thanks."

Building a family through donor egg isn't for everyone, of course, any more than adoption or even IVF is. I think most donor egg recipients wonder, at least initially, whether they'll bond as well with their baby as if they'd had a regular pregnancy. It's smart to question your reaction to the whole process, and to choose another route if it doesn't feel right.

But if your baby is already here and you're experiencing a lack of emotion toward him or her, please think about getting some help as soon as possible. Many, many mothers don't bond with their babies immediately, regardless of how they were conceived. I'm sure that having used donor eggs adds another level of complexity and fear to postpartum depression. Please don't let those feelings simmer in silence - you and your baby deserve so much more than that.

Comments

[abogada]

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I wouldn't trade my daughter for a child with my genes for anything now.

[Anna]

I can't believe I actually used to worry I might not feel a connection to my son, but it's really silly - we have different DNA, but I can't imagine loving another person more. My therapist helped me make the decision way back when by saying that I love my husband, and we share a connection but not DNA. Good point.

Ben is my son. Period. I love him oodles, plus he's adorable!

Such a beautiful post - I'm so happy for you and your family.

[Anna H.]

Lovely post, Karen.

[heather]

As a mother of a naturally conceived son, I really applaud you for writing this. The key line is that not all mothers bond with their children right away, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their conception. I was one of those moms. It took me a good three to four months to really feel a connection and a bond, and the whole time I wondered what was wrong with me. He is now 19-months old and the absolute light of my life. It does happen, it just takes a while for some of us.

[Rachel Inbar]

Wow :-) I'm speechless...

[hummingbirdchronicles]

Your son may not be your genetic progeny but is you BIOLOGICAL child. You carried him in your womb. Your anmiotic fluid bathed him in YOUR chemicals and your juices. He breathed your blood.He is your biological child, and even if he werent, he's still your child because you love him and are his parent. I know from friends who have adopted, that the visceral, primal bond has nothing to do with genetics... it has to do with emotion. With Love. I am sure you feel the ghostly umbilical still deep within you that sustained his life. Moreover, when my best frined gave birth to her daughter, her mother, who was well past menopause, took one look at her grandchild and began lactating. This process is so much more mysterious that we can ever know. Am just glad that things have finally worked out for you :)If there is any chance for me, it would be with a donar egg.....

[childless]

I was so relieved when I found this post. I've been going down the path of IVF. With no luck. I am now looking at a new path and that would be donar egg. This post really hit home for me and helped me with alot of concerns I have been having. Thanks!!!!!!

[nichole perry]

Thank you to all the women who posted comments before mine. I have found my peace in the midst of my fertility storm. I am 30 years and was diagnosed with POF at the age of 23. I went through some VERY emotional trials dealing with me diagnosis. My husband and I want to expand our family. We want to raise a child together. We thought of adoption, but learned of the egg donor program.

My struggle was that the child would not be mine. The child would not possibly love me like I would love them. I was also jealous because of the biological connection with my husband. Thank you for defining the difference of biological and genetic.

Thank you for showing me that love sometimes over powers blood. Because even my husband wouldn't be able to love the child more than I would.

Thanks Ladies......

[sherry]

After trying to conceive for a year and having numerous tests, we discovered my husband has no sperm. The discovery devastated us and we would never be able to have a child together. To look at OUR baby and see a likeness of both of us. The culmination of our love for each other..OUR child. With a few counselling sessions we made the decision to use donor sperm. My husband made it his mission to find the perfect donor and we found a sperm donor that we were both thrilled with. We now have an incredible 2 year old little boy and gorgeous 8 month old twins- all conceived from the same donor.
When I say that we love our children, its really an understatement. We longed for these children but were worried about how we would feel. I can honestly say that when you hold that little baby in your arms a deep love begins to grow. In some moms and dads it takes a while to develop. In others, its instant. We could not love our children anymore if they were my husband's genetically. We are both as happy as could be and feel so blessed to be parents to these wonderful boys. If we could go back and miraculously have babies with my husband's sperm, we would never! These little boys are the best thing that has ever happened to us and we just feel so lucky to have them.

I am so grateful to our sperm donor, that I have decided to give something back to a couple who long for a child of their own. I am becoming an egg donor and go for my first counselling session at the clinic tomorrow. If I can help just one couple realise their dream of having a child to love and nurture, I would be so happy. If just one couple can experience the love of a child, the way my husband and I have, then they too will be really blessed. Down the line... I promise you this... it will not matter who's genes your baby has. Its YOUR baby. You carried it and grew it inside you. Without YOU, this baby would not be around. YOU are its mommy, its world and its life. Good luck to all of you, with much love, Sherry